Warning: The following anecdote contains crude, vulgar, lewd and offensive language, penned by an uncouth and obviously uncivilized person, which may be harmful to minors and majors (ehem, adults) and the rest of the general population.
This is not to be taken very seriously but the writer wouldn’t mind if you do.
A TALE OF AN AMPLIFIER AND A FOOL
Once there was a time there was a fool, knowing very little, and didn’t ask around, commissioned someone everyone knows who, to build a piece of s # * t , pardon me, amplifier pala! Got to enjoy it for a while, thinking that he got something good for his hard-earned money. But soon after, several things begin to piss, eheste, bother him.
First, there was this noise coming out of the speakers during power on and off. Second, one of the blue LED’s in front went caput. Third, a really lousy paint job. These irked and bothered him. Luckily, a recent acquaintance introduced him to Tube Man, who in turn introduced him to The Tech. Several days after, this someone went to The Tech (who accommodated him, perhaps due to the pleading of the Tube Man and out of respect for the latter). Originally, The Tech advised this someone to go back to the manufacturer to have his problem addressed. Then this someone said that he already talked over the phone to the Malfacturer [sic] and this creature said that it is normal. This someone said further that he didn’t want to return to this Malprac***oner [sic] because it is a guaranteed “basag-ulo”! Grudgingly, The Tech agreed to help this someone. He soldered 0.01uF and 0.1uF caps parallel to the line before the on/off switch. The Tech told this someone that he bought a hybrid s # * t, eheste, amp that basically contains a muddled [sic] (not “modeled”) concertina circuit because the solid state portion (tone controls with gain) containing two cheapangga op-amps, is on the input side. He told this someone to get rid of this “evil thing” which kills good harmonics. But the stubborn this someone insisted on the tone controls to stay. Grudgingly, The Tech installed BB op-amps and bypassed it with Vishay caps and replaced some “pinulot sa Raon” parts with Panasonic parts, hoping it will improve sonics a little. It did a little, but perhaps defeated by the very nature of the “evil thing.”
In the midst of busy work day by The Tech, who more often than not ponders over the rather expeditious dissipation of money for his pet apartment construction project, this someone again bothered him. This someone wants to have all signal caps “Mundorfed”. Perhaps this someone then have not taken to heart The Tech’s adage: “No amount of boutique parts can make a bad circuit sound good, not even a good circuit can sound good when not properly implemented.” Nahihiya lang tanggihan, The Tech installed the Mundorf Supreme caps. The Tech further suggested to replace in the future the cheap Raon caps to Panasonic ones and, as soon as the apartment project is done (plus his pending orders), the ss rectifiers to ultra-fast diodes. These will have to be ordered in Singapore, he said.
Months passed, this someone again bothered The Tech. Why? Because he can’t stand the s # * t , eheste, amp sound anymore. Again why? “Parang nabubulunan ‘pag malakas patugtog.” “Parang nagdidikit-dikit ang main at background voices ‘pag chorus.” “Parang may sumasakal kay Alison Krauss ‘pag kumakanta.” “Parang di maabot ni Jeniffer Warnes yung high notes.” The congestion (plus strain) in the vocals, the bamban (rolled-off) highs, the slightly soft bass are just too much for this someone. He couldn’t stand it anymore. Even if he cursed The Maldesigner [sic] to high heavens all day and all night long it will not help, but instead might lead him to a shrink! The Tech, despite being very busy with pending orders, but possessing a soft spot for animals and fools who’d been had and have no one else to turn to, agreed to help again.
After designing a trial solution in his mind while attending a wake, The Tech is challenged to battle “the evil thing” inside the s # * t, eheste, amp pala.
This someone braved the prospect of impending rains, boarded a taxi and traversed the “road frequently travelled” leading to The Tech’s abode. Grudgingly, The Tech took on the battle, just to get rid of this pest (this someone). Because of fact that the s # * t’s, eheste amp’s inability to supply the requirements of the tubes, the phono input (which this someone never uses) was disabled. The “evil thing” was not only disabled but consigned to eternity in the fiery depths of hell! The balance knob is forced to write 30. Ultra-fast rectifiers were installed, as well as fine resistors in place of “pinulot sa basura” parts. All in all, the work took several hours, well beyond dinner time. The Tech, being good-hearted, but fearing this someone who was bothered, tired, angry, apprehensive and anxious over an empty stomach might instead be sent to an ER, gladly fed him, rather sumptuously. This someone was actually not hungry because of disappointment with his s # * t, eheste, amp plus excited over the prospect of it being turned into a real amp by the fairy Tech Man).
In silent thought, this someone remember a quotation from Robert F. Kennedy: “Some people see things as they are and ask why? I dream of things that never were and ask, why not?”
Voila! Success! (applause! applause!) A whole new sound! The sound of a real tube amp! This someone fellow is elated, overjoyed and hopingly oversexed! He hurried home and went on to enjoy the music until the wee hours of dawn.
Side note:
The Tech is quite an interesting fellow. He tries hard to portray himself as an ordinary diy’er but as he speaks and do things, his pretentions were unmasked by his brilliance. Some people called him Master, boss, bossing while this someone called him Ka Jo (in the true revolutionary spirit). I wonder if JD really stands for his name or is it really John Doe or Joe Dimaggio?
Sabi nga ng Nanay ko, “Anak, ang katalinuhan pwedeng itago, pero ang kabobohan, kahit pilitin mong ilihim, mabubulgar!”
On the other hand, the Maldesigner [sic] seemed to have taken to heart in reverse a former Senator’s favorite saying: “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you can always baffle them with bulls# *t.” He lurks in an air-conditioned showroom and malfactures [sic] products (or trash if you ask many) in a Metro Manila City famous for hosting many gigs (that’s concert for you young people, forgive the writer, he is a flower power child, being born in the 60’s).
While just forget this someone dude who just happens to be me.
P.S.
If I am a black American, or rather an African American (to be politically correct), I would have started the story as: “ You ain’t gonna believe this s # * t…”
